Feeling all the feelings
At the beginning of 2019, when I was a couple of months into my apprenticeship with my Yoga Teacher, Peter, several men started to show up in my life while we were at the Sanctuary Thailand on Koh Phangan.
And you know, it was nice to flirt a little, to get some attention and enjoy some distractions besides my full on Anahata Yoga training.
Looking from the outside, they all had one thing in common - they were all well built, yeah well you could say they were quite muscly.
I had never been into muscly guys, so I thought, it was just a different phase.. but of course my Yoga Teacher, Peter made great fun of me (in a loving way).
They all came to Yoga on a regular basis and one day, they decided to join the same morning class, all three of them rolling their mats out in the first row, right in front of my mat.
Man number 1 - dedicated Ashtanga Yogi
Man number 2 - serious Iyengar Yogi
Man number 3 - all over the place Vinyasa Yogi
I was sitting on my mat, watching them get ready for the class. Taking their shirts of (tropical jungle weather), wearing their tiny shorts…
I looked over to Peter. And same as me, he could barely hide the big grin appearing on his face.
“You’re very popular today, Caroline.”
Luckily nobody heard it…
I wanted to go and hide somewhere.
But we were just about to start the class, so no running away for me.
Early mornings at the Sanctuary beach. Greeting the rising sun.
Moving, breathing and meditating surrounded by nature.
When thinking back about this scene later on, when I had moments of reflection about why I kept on attracting the same kind of men into my life, I realised that this was actually a moment where I could literally SEE it right in front of me.
But at that time, I indeed could not see at all.
I kept on attracting men into my life who were very closed up, and emotionally not available. Very serious guys as well. Serious face. Serious attitude.
Men who had built a shell around themselves, who were afraid to open up, to show themselves vulnerable, and who were afraid to bee seen.
Mirroring back to me exactly the things that I was afraid of.
I didn’t want to see this for a very long time.
But I was the one who had built a shell around herself, I was afraid to open up, to show myself vulnerable and I was afraid to let people see all parts of myself.
And I’m still working on it, constantly but with much more awareness, with much more love & kindness towards myself because I now know where many of these things come from.
And some of these things need time, compassion and patience to heal.
I'm now practicing to accept and love all parts that it means to be me (the dark, the shadow & the light) - exactly what I also work on with my 1:1 coaching clients.
Good. Let's continue. I want to share some of my learnings with you.
I believe one big topic that relates to all of the things I’ve mentioned above, is to actually start to getting in touch with your own emotions.
For me, that was definitely a big learning.
Now, I would say I’m quite good at it, maybe even great but back then not so much.
I remember how Peter kept on saying to me when we were doing Inner Child Meditations: “Caroline, you need to practice to get in touch with your emotions.”
I was getting triggered by his words because I didn’t understand what he meant with that.
I thought that I was super in touch with my emotions. I mean, was feeling a lot all the time.
Only later and with a lot of practice, I got to experience what he had meant.
What you can see here in the picture is the practice of Yoga Nyasa, which translated means Yoga Healing.
There's many different forms of Yoga Nyasa, one of the (the one in the picture) is the lying on of hands and directing your healing energy into the other's person's body. In Anahata, we let the energy run through our hearts and then direct our heart's energy into the other person.
Why do I mention this here?
Because in my in person sessions but also in retreats & trainings when we share this practice with each other, I've seen such great results with one person holding space for the other.
One person sharing their energy with another, just because they can.
It has been such a great reset and sometimes even the start of a re-wiring process of the person on the receiving end.
That's why I love to get together in groups -
I love to show people what we're all capable of. Introducing them to the "magic" and healing energy we all carry inside of us.
Now, back to those feelings...
At the time, I did feel a lot, yes, but preferably only the good feelings.
The negative ones were not welcome.
And if I was being triggered, then the negative ones came up in such an intensity, that it was super overwhelming at times.
They came to the surface in form of an explosion. I would often storm off, close down immediately, just being able to hold back the tears or burst into tears straight away.
Why do you think that is?
Well, because for the majority of my life, I had been fighting hard to keep those emotions hidden, to push them down, to lock them up in a well hidden corner inside of me.
But what happens when you hide things, if you push them away or down?
Well, they usually not just disappear but come to the surface with full force when you sometimes least expect it.
When a tiny situation triggers you and the emotions (and their energy) finally have a reason to come to the surface, to say “hello” because they want to be seen and felt as well.
I know, it’s much harder to accept those parts of you. It’s even harder to see them, to feel them, to allow them their space of existence, to not think less of yourself because now you know that they’re there.
We often don’t want to go there. Into those dark hidden corners inside of ourselves. Because maybe we might even discover something about ourselves that we don’t like at first.
Something we've been trying so hard to hide, even from ourselves.
But I can tell you from my own experience, that even though it’s challenging to get in touch with all of your emotions, to embrace and accept yourself, even if you’re not in a sunshine mood, to take responsibility of your own emotions, your own behaviour and not constantly blaming someone else for making you feel bad... to becoming more aware, gaining more clarity, being brave and going on a little research of where all of your emotions come from and why certain things, people, situations are triggering you - in the long run, it’s very liberating.
Because with this gained knowledge and awareness, you’ll then see certain behaviour patterns in yourself but also in others much quicker, you’ll notice much faster when there’s the same situation or person appearing in your life again.
This will then also show you if you’ve integrated your learnings.
I like to see it as little tests from the universe. Has she learnt her lesson? Or is there still more to learn?
Have I learnt all of my lessons?
Surely not.
Am I being much more aware of them and was able to change some big, frustrating behaviour patterns and the kind of people I attract into my life by showing up to myself on a regular basis, doing this “work” and giving my best to accept & love all parts of myself?
Absolutely.
It has also given me a lot of my energy back.
Because trust me, hiding & pushing your emotions down takes up a lot of your energy.
Now, if I can do it. You can do it.
Take the first step… book a free 30min Discovery Call with me. Sometimes it just feel good to get some things out and it will already give you much more clarity.
I’m a good listener. My friends and clients can vouch for that.
But in addition, I’m also very good in holding space, in giving guidance and in supporting to release some heavy emotions and create a shift inside of you.
Because I’ve been there. Many times.